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©2009 ^StJoan
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Author's Comments

quick jot. no idea what it might be yet

bit of an edit on the jot.

Critiques


:icongaioumonbatou:
The fourth and fifth lines feel almost unrelated to the rest of it, as though there were a thought skip and then it jumped back.

Casting nets across borders

Presumably to catch something, and here's where I think some clarification is needed, in order to connect the ideas more properly. You immediately jump to "to trade for souls", but as a reader, I've got no clue what it is the narrator is trying to give in order to take the souls.

Also, I think you could do without the last line. I was a bit under the impression the narrator was without a home based on the title. Unless, of course, you're looking to expand the poem at this point, in which case I guess you'd be looking more to add rather than take away.

If it's more that I've missed something as the reader, though, you might consider turning this into a mondo, as it fits the structure and would inevitably help the message of the poem.

Also, totally testing the Critique function just because I can, otherwise I'd post this in a normal comment. I'm disliking the rating function, which is why I'm mid-lining the lot of it.
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:iconalapip:
wee walking
castanets
at cross borders
to spite Roland
for your town?

jot - what a weird word
this is. grok is a good
one "two"...

hope you like whimsy...

now , you cannot forget me,
no matter how hard you try.

pip

--
when a man refers to the woman
[who chose him], as his better half,
for once, he tells the truth. - llp - nov'09
:iconlilmoongodess:
Its a haiku.



Awesome.

--
Life is what we make it, and the world is what we make it. The eyes of the cheerful and of the melancholy man are fixed upon the same creation; but very different are the aspects which it bears to them.
Albert Pike
:iconstjoan:
holy crap it is

--
StJoan, M.D. of DramaLlamaology
Literature GM at your service.
:iconlilmoongodess:
:O you can do magic things!!

--
Life is what we make it, and the world is what we make it. The eyes of the cheerful and of the melancholy man are fixed upon the same creation; but very different are the aspects which it bears to them.
Albert Pike
:iconstjoan:
MAGIC!

--
StJoan, M.D. of DramaLlamaology
Literature GM at your service.
:iconchrisfromchapelhill:
I never really liked haikus where it's really one line spread over three in order to meet syllabic requirements. A good haiku in my mind has 3 statements tied together in a theme.
:iconstjoan:
agreed, however--it actually just happened like this lol

--
StJoan, M.D. of DramaLlamaology
Literature GM at your service.
:iconal-maari:
Does this have to do with immigration & southern border issues? Just a thought...

--
You can see some of my finished work at:

Moebius Trip Creations
:iconstjoan:
i suppose it could, though i had more of stateless groups in mind

--
=Texasdevmeet:it's what for dinner
StJoan, M.D. of DramaLlamaology
Literature GM at your service.

Details

March 31
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